You don’t know what leadership is.

It is a bold statement for me to make. One to which your response is probably an emphatic, “Yes I do.” Maybe even with an exclamation point.

However, when I respond by asking, “what is it?”, almost everyone struggles to articulate what leadership is. I contend that if you can’t articulate it, you don’t know what it is.

Some of you will argue that you can articulate what leadership is. You may even eloquently define it for me in simple or complex terms with a big “I got you grin”.

You may think you know what leadership is. However, how you define leadership is not how others define it. In fact, regardless of your definition, I bet I can find tens of thousands of people who will dispute it and tell you why you are wrong (and the response of, “yes, but I am right,” only works for my wife).

Is There One Definition Of Leadership?

There have been many brilliant minds over the years that have pontificated, defined, researched, and written about leadership. Some from an academic background like Stogdil and Mann from the mid 1900’s and some with practical backgrounds like Greenleaf and Patton.

These approaches often create dichotomies when defining leadership. One is that leaders are either born or made, though most of the recent research supports the idea that leaders can, in fact, be made. Another dichotomy is that the approaches tend to either focus on the leader or on the leader’s relationship with his/her followers. However, regardless of the focus, none of them have come up with, or agreed upon a satisfactory definition of leadership.

In the article “An Integrative Definition of Leadership”, Winston and Patterson reviewed over 160 articles and books on leadership and narrowed it down to 90 variables. Their “short” definition was over a page long and people still dispute it.

One of the problems we face in defining leadership is that the concept seems simple. And at one point in our history it was fairly simple: There was a person who was a leader by birthright or some sort of trait and people followed them because they were the leader.

Even today in certain environments leadership seems fairly simple. Take for example an enlisted soldier. Most people think of soldiers as they were in WWII. The soldier was trained to follow orders. Those of superior rank knew more and were better equipped to make decision. The enlisted men were followers, were given orders, and expected to follow them without question. Most people think this is how the military operates today, and to some extent it does. If you are a Corporal in firefight and the Sergeant tells you to move your ass, you do. However, with the dynamic environment soldiers face on today’s battlefield, even the Army is changing how it trains its soldiers.

The Army now wants soldiers to think and make decisions on the battlefield to a much greater degree than they did even 20 years ago. Now these followers are contributing to solutions. Leadership, even in the military, has been changing.

So, when I say, “you don’t know what leadership is,” I do not do so lightly. None of us really know what leadership is.

Rethinking the Source of Leadership

Leadership is an evolving concept that has become much more confusing than it used to be. I think the problem is based on the methods we use to try to define it. Since leadership is continuously evolving, so must our way of trying to understand it.

Instead of trying to define leadership, we should examine how we know when leadership occurs. Most of us, though we can’t truly define leadership, know when it occurs. And if we can figure out when leadership occurs, we get closer to understanding it.

So, how do we know when leadership occurs? I have only read one author who takes this approach to understanding leadership (though it is entirely possible that others have and I have not read their work). In the book, The Deep Blue Sea: Rethinking the Source of Leadership, Wilfred Drath from the Center for Creative Leadership approaches leadership not as something that exists on its own, but rather something that exists because we decide it exists. When you define leadership in your own way you are deciding it exists, while others who disagree with your definition might decide it does not.

Leadership does not exist independently of our perceptions. It exists exclusively because of our perceptions.

So, if leadership exists only in our perceptions, how do we know when it occurs?

Essentially, we can create what Drath calls knowledge principles, which are ideas or rules that are taken for granted to be true. These are shared creations of the people interacting together, rather than just one person’s perceptions. We use these to determine if leadership exists.

Since these knowledge principles are taken for granted to be true, Leadership’s existence becomes about what is meaningful to people as leadership. Because these knowledge principles are meaningful as leadership to people, they can say with certainty that leadership is happening for their group.

Leadership is what the group comes to understand it to be. There is no debate like there is when we try to define leadership. The group knows leadership is happening and becomes objective and not subjective.

So, from your group’s perspective, how do you know when leadership is happening?

The fearless leader fallacy harkens back to the “great man” theory of leadership, which portrayed effective leaders as those who charge fearlessly into the melee to save the day. They were “born to lead” and “looked fear in the face without blinking an eye.”

Maybe this resonates with some folks out there but, for me, it never quite sat right. I served overseas in combat as an officer in the military. I’ve started and grown a company that now employs more people than I could have ever imagined. By all measures I am a successful leader but I am far from fearless. In fact, every time I begin to think I have a clue about what I’m doing, something comes along that frankly, scares the living daylights out me.

I’m willing to bet that I’m not alone. I don’t believe that successful leaders and entrepreneurs are fearless. I believe that the most successful leaders and entrepreneurs among us are just as fearful as the rest of us. What sets these men and women apart is what they do in the face of fear.

Fear Doesn’t Have to Be Your Enemy

To me, being fearless means pushing forward with reckless abandon no matter what the risks. Evolution has seen to it that we as human beings have held onto the emotion of fear for good reason. Fear serves us well. It kept our ancient ancestors from putting themselves in dangerous situations, thus, keeping them alive long enough to reproduce.

Unfortunately, many of the things we fear today are no longer physical threats. Fear of what we perceive to be threats, whether it’s the fear of the unknown or the fear of failure, can be so overwhelming that it paralyzes us.

But fear is not necessarily a bad thing. It means that you’re pushing the envelope and doing things that take you out of your comfort zone. It means that you care enough about the livelihood of your organization that perceived threats to your sustainability cause an emotional reaction.

Dr. Joey A. Collins, Assistant Professor of Industrial-Organizational Psychology at Seattle Pacific University, adds that, “Effective leaders demonstrate a high degree of self-awareness and are mindful of their feelings.  It is not that they don’t feel fear – they do. They are just more aware of their fear and better able to process the threat that is signaling it.”

Fear is not necessarily your enemy. The difference is what you do when confronted by these fears. Here are 4 ways to begin to face your fears as a leader in your organization:

Know that you’re not alone.

It may not be easy to admit that you’re afraid as a leader, but I’ll be the first to step up beside you and tell you that you’re not alone. Leading is an enormous responsibility. You have to make sure you make payroll, keep your customers happy, inspire your team and read and adapt to changes in the market on a daily basis. As an entrepreneur you know all too well that if you don’t stay on top of everything going on, someone out there will seize the opportunity to eat your lunch. That’s enough to make even the most stalwart of us blink from time to time.

Ask yourself honestly, what’s the worst that can happen?

At this point in my career I have come to the conclusion that I am absolutely unemployable. As an entrepreneur for ten years, there is zero percent chance that I’ll ever be able to work for someone else again. Entrepreneurs have no safety net. No backup plan. But when I stop and think about the worst possible scenario, I’m able to manage the fear that generates from these thoughts.

If your worst business nightmare came true, what would happen? Acknowledging this can help you push through the fears that come up when you’re faced with critical decisions.

Acknowledge that failing doesn’t make you a failure.

As a leader and an entrepreneur, it can feel like the world is resting on your shoulders. And with so much riding on your decisions, failing is a tough pill to swallow. But, the truth is that everyone fails at one point or another.

Ask any successful entrepreneur how many times they’ve failed and you’ll probably get a good laugh out of them. It’s not about failing, it’s about what you do as a result of that failure that determines your future.

Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

One of the greatest ways I’ve found to face my fears is by relying on a strong support network. At the end of the day, responsibility for your decisions falls squarely on your shoulders, but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t people in your life who you can depend on for guidance and insight.

Asking for help may not come naturally, but by showing some vulnerability and acknowledging that you need help, you’ll open yourself up to many opportunities that may otherwise never be available.

Understand what’s driving your fear and turn it into an advantage.

If you can develop your ability to harness your fear and move through it you set yourself on a path that few ever follow.

Tim Smith, President of Patriot Commercial Cleaning out of Saint Louis, MO is an Army combat veteran who has grown his business despite facing numerous challenges that would have stymied most people. “You have to try to meet that fear head on,” says Smith, “but it’s easier said than done. I’ve found that it does get easier with practice, though. The fears still exist but you can deal with them better because you’ve faced them before.”

Be aware that your reaction to threats will be noticed and modeled by your team.

“Leaders are better able to choose how to express their fear to others,” added Dr. Collins. Let’s face it. If you run around with your hair on fire when threatened, it doesn’t give your team a warm and fuzzy feeling. Effective leaders are able to gauge their responses and react most appropriately.

Maybe this is the root of the fearless leader fallacy. As leaders effectively manage their fear in front of others, the assumption becomes that they, in fact, are fearless.

It’s all about managing the dynamic tension that exists with your fear. On one side, you must be confident enough in your abilities and your value that you can go to market and win. On the other side, you must continue to push your limits so that you never quite feel comfortable.

Being able to manage this tension in the day-to-day is difficult. There are days where you may lean more heavily on one side than the other, and that’s okay. The trouble begins when you let yourself swing too far to one side or the other for too long and begin to operate only from that single perspective.

It is your choice as a leader and entrepreneur to determine how you will react in the face of fear. Respect that fear is a natural emotion, baked into our DNA, but don’t let it stop you. Your reaction to that fear is what will separate you from the pack.

This article originally appeared on Forbes.

Guest Article Written By Kelly Meerbott

When your board of directors suggests you bring in a leadership coach to improve on some facet of the organization, How do you react?

If you’re like most CEOs, it might be, “Coach? Why do I need a coach? What’s wrong with me?”

Well, I’m here to tell you two things:

1. There’s nothing wrong with you. We all need feedback because that’s how we progress.
2. Coaches, especially leadership coaches, are brought in to help launch you to the next level; to develop high potential into high performance, and high performers into superior leaders. They are there to hold you accountable to the best version of yourself; not to fix what’s broken.

Here’s what you need to know about coaching.

Coaching: A Mindset Shift

Coaching has often been portrayed as a punitive or corrective tool to be used when circumstances have turned negative. However, in progressive companies coaching is considered to be a positive, proven method for helping executives explore their current goals and ambitions and achieve new or higher objectives.

When partnered with open and willing participants, the power of executive coaching is to:

• accentuate your skills and abilities already in existence
• boost performance with a more positive outlook and mindset
• help identify and deal with issues, concerns, and challenges before they become unmanageable problems – on a personal and organizational level

The coaching and mentoring process is about shifting mindsets to see the possibilities, creating a plan, and taking consistent action to realize success once objectives are identified. The best practice approach is to observe and analyze the organization from a holistic point of view. Together, we look for positive, feasible, practical, and attainable improvements.

Even Coaches Need Coaches

After an unexpected layoff in 2009 I made the best decision of my life and professional career in hiring a business coach. The experience taught me firsthand about the transformative power of coaching and professional mentoring. With a great coach I was able to spin the negative events I was projecting onto myself as something happening for me, not to me. This mindset shift in myself–from victim to owner–was most powerful distinction I learned from my coach.

Steve Chandler, success coach & best-selling author of more than 29 books, noted, “Owners have an awareness of their own freedom of choice and they love to make and keep agreements. They own their spirit and energy and have a sense of personal responsibility and self-control. Victims are victims of circumstance who navigate their days based on their shifting feelings.”

The distinction between “owner” and “victim” shifted my primal level instinct from blaming others and things around me, to taking responsibility for my choices, helping to launch me to my next level in business and life.

Good coaches will do that. They change perceptions you have of yourself. In turn, those new perceptions change how you view the world around you. Simply put: “Change your thoughts; change your life (Wayne Dyer).”

You, Loud and Clear

One of my favorite examples from my work is when I was engaged to work with a COO in a medical organization. She had 49 direct staff reports responsible for operations, medical personnel supporting doctors during procedures. The COO’s department was responsible for 80% of the company’s $20M annual revenue. The business unit had become a revolving door (attrition at 59%). Morale was terrible. The culture of the department had evolved into a morass of negativity.

During our first coaching session, the COO sat across from me with her arms crossed in a closed off stance. I asked her, “What would you like to achieve during our work together?”

COO: I’d like to get to the bottom of why so many people are quitting. I’m doing everything I can. I don’t understand it. I reach out to them often, yet I get the sense that they’re afraid of me.

Kelly: Well you do appear to be quite angry.

COO: Really? I try not to be. (begins to cry) I’m going through a very tough divorce. My spouse is a violent alcoholic.

Kelly: Did you know, the more we try to hide our emotions, the more they show?

COO: (Calming down) I can see that.

(At this point, I sit in silence allowing the COO’s emotions to flow and giving emotional space. When they are ready, I ask a question.)

Kelly: When was the last time you had one-on-one conversations with your staff?

COO: It has been so busy that it’s been about 18 months.

Kelly: And aren’t your employees bonuses and salary increases based on quarterly evaluations?

COO: Yes.

Kelly: So what could you do to achieve the outcome you want?

COO: Start scheduling evaluations?

Kelly: That’s one option. Are you open to some coaching around this?

COO: Yes.

Kelly: How do you think it would affect your team if you had one-on-one conversations with them without an agenda? Allow them to come in ask one question and then listen.

COO: No agenda?

Kelly: No agenda.

COO: I could try it. What’s the one question?

Kelly: How are you?

COO: I think my staff would be surprised and shocked.

Kelly: Good. That’s what I was hoping for.

Together, we implemented a first round of meetings. It took two weeks to complete them, but morale demonstrably improved. The COO and I co-created a plan of action to complete all the employee evaluations in 90 days, which were completed in six weeks. By the end of the second quarter, attrition dropped to 17%, and by the end of the year the team brought in $5M more in annual revenue than budgeted.

The point? Although they seem to use similar techniques, coaches are not therapists, psychiatrists, and/or consultants. Executive coaches are creative partners that hold the mentee and associates accountable to be the best versions of themselves. The result? An evolution; a mindset shift: from good to great!

Kelly A. Meerbott  is  a  respected  thought  leader,  speaker  and  Leadership  Coach  to  C-suite  executives. In her  work  with  the C-Suite & senior  leaders,  Kelly  creates  personal  strategies  and  action  plans  to  help  implement  long-term,  positive,  behavior  change  for  themselves,  their  people  &  their  organizations. Find her on LinkedIn, Twitter, and her website.